token of memory

(unbranded outerwear, ark& co draped skirt, moselle bracelet, wolford tights, rotelli shoes)

dear mom, i didn't get the first rank, but i really wanted that walkman. i worked really hard to get it, and even though i don't deserve it, i felt that it has to be mine. it broke my heart a little when you gave me an older model and gave lil' sis the latest one without much effort on her part. i knew i was the one to set up the rule, but i want to constantly live up to my words. i want to constantly prove to you that i could and gladly would work hard to achieve whatever i want in life. it broke my heart a lot when you told me that you would've given it to me anyway if i would just ask. and you knew that the ten year old me had too much pride to admit my defeat.

dear mom, it was raining like crazy and we had been walking for hours. you were still unconvinced about getting that bag you saw earlier that day, and i told you repeatedly to either get it or get yourself over it. i kept complaining because i was so tired, it was dark, you were forever indecisive, and the store was about to close. in the end we went out of ysl that one night in rome with the first bag that you ever handed down to me.

dear mom, yesterday somebody broke my car window. that person took nothing else but the bag, which was empty. i apologized to you repeatedly, and it broke my heart a little when you didn't get angry. it broke my heart a lot when i was the only one that's mad at myself and at the situation. you kept on asking me if i was okay, and truth is, i was not. but you knew that i still have too much pride in me to admit that too.

dear mom, i couldn't shed the thoughts of always making you worry and having you invest so much money on me off my mind. i don't know if i was purely unlucky or if God's trying to teach me something. but this incident didn't make me go easier on myself. instead it taught me to push myself even harder, and to let Him see that i am worthy to be your daughter. since i still have a little bit of pride in me, i promised myself to take you to that ysl store in rome when it rains someday, and make sure that you don't open your wallet and walk empty- handed from the store. the incident opened my eyes to something that the ten years old me failed to see; that you love me despite of anything, despite of everything, and that you always will. now that i think about it, my sister might receive the better walkman, and that burglar might have stolen a pretty bag, but i was the one chosen by God to be the daughter of a woman as wonderful as you are.

...and if ever that burglar's reading this:
bitch.